Walruses

On the tusk of greatness!

Hi Friend,

I’ve been trying really hard for over a week to find a clever use for the phrase “tuskless walrus,” as in “your words bite like a tuskless walrus,” and “I’d like to floss a tuskless walrus,” or “two tuskless walruses walked into the watering hole tickled by their wicked tricks,” but I am struggling to move beyond the phrase “tuskless walrus,” much like a tuskless walrus would struggle to climb a slab of ice.

Fun walrus fact: The Osodobenus genus is an extinct link to the tuskless walrus.

The Natural History Museum of Los Angeles County has an article about the first tusked walrus ancestor entitled, “Walruses: On the Tusk of Greatness.” I think that title is kinda brilliant. (I wish I had thought of it. I’m going to borrow it out of envy.) The author, Tyler Hayden, also wrote an article for the La Brea Tar Pits Museum titled, “These Hips Don’t Lie: 3D Imaging of a Pelvis Suggests Social Care for Saber Tooths.” I think I need to befriend this person.

I asked Microsoft’s artificial intelligence image creator to supply an image of a “tuskless walrus.” All four generated images prominently featured a walrus with prominent tusks surrounded by tons of penguins and icebergs. Headline: “Tuskless Tuck Tusks into Water Where Walruses Make Wavy Wakes: Penguins Aplenty.” (I’m trying, Tyler.)

It wasn’t until I took the time to closely examine the artificial artworks that I noticed the odd, penguin-sized tuskless wonders littered throughout the pieces. Yes, Virginia, tuskless walruses do exist! (see the fuzzy brown thing to the right of the walrus below?)

I tried to remember what caused my tuskless walrus obsession, and the details of its exact origin have crumbled from my memory. The tuskless walrus emerged from the sort of evening where a child captures their parent’s full attention and drives the cargo truck of conversation through thoroughfares otherwise inaccessible to the adult (bloody GPS on my smart phone didn’t have anything but green blotches here, and look: tuskless walruses!).

I wanted to share this little piece of wonder with you, but everything I write fails to capture the magic of the moment where the tuskless walrus first flitted off a tongue and into my ear. Thankfully, we live in a world with artificial intelligence, so, at least I can share with you some majestic artificial walrus art.

(This last one is by far the creepiest. The central walrus’s tusk is protruding from his chin. ouch. And what, exactly, is happening in the lower left corner of this piece? Also, I think there’s a flying penguin. At first glance this looks “normalish,” but stare at it for long periods of time at your own risk.)

in wordy wordiness,

walter