Candles

as patriotic as apple pie and hot dogs

Hi,

Scented Candles that Don’t Exist: God Bless America Edition!

• 1776- tobacco/ parchment/ aristocratic British tears

• Yorktown- the wick is on the bottom

• Manifest Destiny- all the smells in our factory thrown into one candle

• Emancipation- smells really sweet the first time you light it, then gradually blends into Segregation

• Segregation-based on your shipping address and the spelling of the name on your provided credit card, this will either smell like fresh linens or gas fumes.

• Purple Mountain Majesty- fresh air/ pine needles/ cool breeze (one in every ten Purple Mountain Majesty candles contains a valuable mineral which is only accessible once the candle burns 30% down, at which point the candle will emit toxins that may harm animals, small children, and the elderly. Do not purchase it if you or a loved one has a history of lung disorders.)

• Birthright Citizenship- Order now! While supplies last!

• Habeas Corpus- an overall pleasant smell with a long burning wick (long burning wick not available for all customers)

• Home Sweet Home- cedar/ grass clippings/ rainfall (Home Sweet Home not available in certain markets and/or market conditions)

• Human Rights- any scent you want; comes with a dimmer

• Total War- you pay us not to send you a candle

• ICE- has no wick, no wax, no jar, really nothing indicating that its a candle, but trust us, it’s a candle doing the official work of a candle (I promise this is not a scam; just because something looks like a scam, acts like a scam, refuses to provide any evidence that it is legitimate, and insists on having you pay for it, doesn’t mean it is a scam. Obviously, this is a candle, not a scam.)

• Try The First Amendment Collection! Five of our strongest smelling and most popular candles bundled together. (If you check your hall closet, you may find a few of these hiding in there already! It may be time to take them out, light them up, and share them with your neighbors!)

  • Freedom of Speech-the best selling and best smelling candle we have; allows this whole operation to happen. Now available to corporate clients!

  • Freedom of Religion- smells like baby Jesus [or baby Moses, or baby Vishnu, or baby Buddah, or baby Yoda (Ok, it smells like a generic human newborn… still really nice)]

  • Freedom of the Press- ciabatta/ turkey/ tomato/ mozzarella/ pesto

  • Freedom of Assembly- sweat/ righteousness/ a hint of pepper spray

  • Freedom of the Right to Petition the Government- currently on back order

Happy Birthday USA!

(Please be selective when blowing out your candles)

in wordy wordiness,

Walter